in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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