I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
