hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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