I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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