Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
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