I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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