Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
