hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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