Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I can't turn off my feet"
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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