Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
