my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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