you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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