OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
