Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
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