i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
