So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
