He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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