At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
