everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
