I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
