i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
