it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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