i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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