it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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