I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Just pee around me
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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