You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
