dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Randomize
