I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
