I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
