I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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