quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
