she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
