hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
