my phone needs a breathalizer
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
