We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
