he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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