I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
