I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
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