Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
