I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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