All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
