I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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