I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
