Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Randomize
