These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
