Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
