I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize