one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
