I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Welp...herpes.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
