I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
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