This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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