I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I need to calm my uterus...
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
