You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
