And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
