Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
so let's talk penis.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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