I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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