I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
