Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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