So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
