he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I lost the right to judge tonight
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
