Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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