just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
