do herpes really smell.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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