Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
