Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
