This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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