My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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