i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
