You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize