I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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